This question came through on one of the list serves I am on. I responded with the following using the Kubler Ross Theory of Grieving.
There is no magic number as to how long it takes...everyone grieves differently. Kubler Ross wrote on 5 stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. These don't occur in any specific order and there is often an overlap.
For me, the denial was before the diagnosis. I suspected something was off as I have two older neurotypical kids. I had my friend who is an ST give him a look over and she said he was fine. I breathed a sigh of relief but still had my concerns. I had another friend who is a special ed teacher look him over and she said, "Oh, he will still go to Harvard", I breathed a sigh of relief but still had my concerns. Then I had him evaluated by the county's early intervention program and they said he did not meet all their criteria...so I stopped worrying as much. Then he began having problems in the preschool program I entered him into a few mornings a week to gain social skills. I had him evaluated again by the county, 6 weeks before his 3rd birthday....and they accepted him this time...and thus began our journey.
Anger is a big one for me. It honestly has propelled me to finding solutions but has also exhausted every fiber of my being. I was angry that my son missed 8 months of early intervention because they did not pick up his deficits the first time around. I was angry at myself for accepting their report. A diagnosis of PDD-NOS, mild autism, came 1 month after he turned 3 and I went full steam ahead with absolutely everything I could find for him and afford. My anger was and is today with our pathetic "system". Anger at the CDC, for pushing so many vaccines. Anger at the school district for not giving my son a free and appropriate public education. Angry at those therapists who just did not give a hoot. Angry at the therapists who did not accept insurance. Angry at times at my husband because he just did not seem to "get it". Angry at the legal system because they are so damn expensive to retain just so your child can have his basic rights met. Angry at the people who ran from us as if we were contagious. Angry at the politics at play that have no place in bringing my son's strengths out. Anger has been a continuous component on my journey. Blogging/journaling and praying has been my saving grace.
Bargaining...on a few occasions I have said to God, "please let me bear the load...take it away from my son, and let it fall on me". I remember being in his room one time when he was spinning out of control. I leaned over him to give him a deep pressure hug. I looked right into those beautiful blue eyes and my eyes filled so fast it was like a deluge. I was already on my knees so I begged and pleaded with God to please take it all away from him and let all his strengths shine.
Depression may be there quietly hiding in the dark on a daily basis...but I have refused to give into it. I can't afford to. I have to find another solution. I have to keep working. I have to let the anger fuel me, propel me into healing my son.
Acceptance...NOPE, I never accepted that his diagnosis was final. I would not swallow this pill. I had places to go like ST, OT, PT, Therapeutic Horseback, and Therapeutic Tumbling, to name a few. I had to research and implement diet changes, to research and implement supplements...to find activities that will feed him a sensory diet. I just could not accept that my son's diagnosis of mild autism was here to stay. This lack of acceptance yielded 18 months of non-stop running ragged. I got tired of fighting with the schools to get my son's needs met. I got tired of the politics. I wanted my energy to go in a positive direction, not wasted by banging my head against the brick wall at the end of a dead end road.
So now, I homeschool my son...and the results have been phenomenal.
The reward of all this running around and lack of acceptance? My son saw his neurodevelopmental pediatrician a few weeks back. My son LOST the autism diagnosis. Sure, he still has some issues and we need to keep going with the ST and OT. "Keep on keeping on with what you are doing because it is working", the doctor said...all that hard work and effort, all that anger, all those bargains, all paid off.
Don't give up...keep on keeping on...pray for strength to keep on going.